Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have feelings that need drinking.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
