ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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