I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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