Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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