everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
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