Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
