in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just want to make out with him forever
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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