Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
