The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize