I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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