Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
