Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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