apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i love accidental penises.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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