and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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