My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
