i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Randomize
