We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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