Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
