i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
