I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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