i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Drunk is not a location!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
