No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
