Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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