you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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