Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
