i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
