she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
