I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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