everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
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My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
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Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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