I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
