he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
