I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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