just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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