I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
