I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
