Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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