Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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