dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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