Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
