So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
