I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm getting married
To pizza
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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