He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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