No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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