dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
