I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
