nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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