; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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