She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
