Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
