Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
