dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
