the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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