Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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