At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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