And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
