I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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