His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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