it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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