Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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