I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she pinky promised me she was 18
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
