she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
