I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
