Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
