god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
